JOURNEY TO SATURN
No! My beer! What the hell ...
Dear Denmark. Dear Danes.
In less than 24 hours, the greatest event in our history will take place:
Kurt Maj's Saturn Expedition!
The purpose is to find eco-friendly energy resources -
- that will benefit people on Earth and the Danish welfare state.
We transmit live from Cape Kurt.
But let's have a closer look at the project's creator: Kurt Maj!
Kurt Maj, tycoon and media kingpin, is a man of many talents.
Deeply affected by the rapidly escalating global warming, -
- Kurt Mej has made it his personal cause to fight for the environment.
And now he is on his way to the stars - always the pioneer!
You're on ln ten minutes, Per. How's the sult?
Well, lt's not as cool as the one l wore for NASA's Mars Misslon.
But then again, l'm not exactly going on a 48 hour space walk' am l?
You're so cool, Per.
You and me, Per. Forover!
DANlSH UFO ASSOClATlON ANNUAL CONVENTlON
Per! Per! Per! Per!
And now, the man we've all been waltlng for:
Lecturer and real-life astronaut: Per Jensen!
- When the stars beckon ... - Here we come!
Per! Per! Per! Per!
... that you cannot refuse.
Drop by Earth and let's chat. l look forward to meeting you.
NAME FlLE:
- Mr. Maj! Over here? - Showtime!
Dear Denmark. Dear Danes.
ln just a fow hours, Kurt Maj's Saturn Expedition wlll be a reallty.
What has insplred this heroic deed?
Ever slnce Cape Kurt dlscovered limltless resources on Saturn, -
- l knew that Denmark would have to claim exclusive rlghts to these.
lt is therefore of vltal importance to clalm that planet for Denmark!
lsn't thls preject of greater beneflt to you than Denmark as such?
Rubbish!
Kurt Maj Enterprlses has flnanced the preject as a natlonal gift.
- But ... - lmaglne all those rlches!
lt wlll be the end of taxes, and the beginning of greater welfare.
Mr. Maj, we have a problem. Our navlgator has fallen lll.
lt seems to be food polsonlng.
Caused by this Kurt Maj TV Dlnner.
But he's being treated by the Danish Medlcal Servlces, so all is well.
- How will we find a new navlgator? - Go over the list once more.
Try to squeeze lts tummy. How many do you want?
The crew could have perished from lack of oxygen or small pox.
Voila! There you go.
- l'll never bathe again. - No, why start now?
CONTRACT
- What the hell ls thls? - Kurt Maj and Denmark need you!
- Say what? - We need a new navlgator.
- And you're the man for the job. - Do you want me to go to Saturn?
- Please follow us. - lt's urgent.
Yes, but ... l haven't got the time just here and now.
l have lots of plans. Laundry and TV ... Time ls runnlng.
l'll have to leave. Goodbye.
What's your problem' Jensen? You are a tralned astronaut, rlght?
When the stars beckon, l will be thero!
- l guess l could serve my country. - Perfact!
- We knew we could count on you. - No problem. l'll just call a cab.
l'll meet you out front ln ten ...
- We have some transportation. - But l need to go home flrst.
- Go for it, Per! - l need to cut my toe nalls.
l need to have that board sanded before l leave, or ...
- Wait ... - Bye, bye.
Welcome aboard, Per. Let's have a nlce chat now.
Thls ls our command center.
The best bralns in the nation are gathered here.
That computer has been programmed to bring you all the way to Saturn.
So you are just a safety measure.
- What are the chances of a mlshap? - Zero percent!
Besides, your commander, Skrydsbøl, is a distingulshed soldler.
You wlll not flnd a more steady man.
- You've disgraced the Army. - You've failed us.
You are a failure, Skrydsbøl.
Basra!
THE MlSSlON COMES FlRST
Arne? Where are you?
- Help me, Arne ... Arne ... - Gerd! Gerd!
Get away from him, you bastards! l'm comlng, Gerd!
- The reading materlals you asked fer. - Die, you filthy Al Oaeda combatant!
Skrydsbøl ls known to run a tlght shlp on all of hls missions.
Arne Skrydsbøl at your service. lf l may be so bold as to say ...
- You'll make a great team. - l promlse you, l wlll not fail ...
lt'll just need to be cleared. Hold on.
Hello? They're ln the third matrix of the launch coordinates.
No, ln the third ... Well, then look at the blnary code!
Susanne speaklng. Rlght, l've heard. They're looklng for a new navigator.
You want me to ..? l'll be there right away. Yes!
Susanne, welcome aboard. As always, a slght for sore eyes.
l'm glad you thought of me.
l've always wanted to go on a space mission. l'll do my best.
No! Susanne, my sweet ... You know we can't send you out there.
- Why you are ... - l'm what?
- l'm your technical dlrector. - No, ltjust won't work.
You brlghten up the premlses down here. We've chosen thls guy.
- Per? - Susanne? We used to be lovers.
- We went to the Astronaut Academy. - Then you're the perfact team.
Per ls, to put it mildly, not suited for an expedltlon of this magnitude.
Fiddlesticks. Per ls a true man of the people.
Per ls a fucking fraud!
The closest thing he ever got to space was when we watched Star Wars!
Why do you insist on hirlng the most lncompetent ldlots for the expedition?
l hope you know what the flipplng hell you're doing!
l guess someone ls on the rag today.
Susanne Mortensen speaking, technical director of Preject Saturn.
l need the exam papers from Space Academy for a Per Jensen.
Yes, rlght now. Well, then you'll just have to wake the securlty guard!
TlME FOR LlFT OFF!!
Ladies and gentlemen:
Our beloved Oueen of Denmark ... and the Prince Consort.
Accompanied by our dear Prime Minister.
Oh la la. Exquisite taste, Monsieur.
l'd llke to stress a point here: l demand strict disclpllne.
As representatlves of Denmark, we wlll be part of hlstory forever.
Please welcome: Arne Skrydsbøl and two of Denmarks's finest pilots.
And finally, the experienced astronaut, Per Jensen.
Here you are, Madam.
Hello, beautlful!
Don'tjust stand there dawdllng, men. All aboard now! Hup, hup, hup, hup!
Wait! Do l have time to take a crap? Just a teeny-weeny crap?
A proper hello to you. l'm Jamil, your cook on thls trlp.
Hl, there. My name is Per and l'm the new navigator.
- Don't worry, l'll get you to Saturn. - Come here.
A cheese sandwich wlth jelly and cress or a Company Sandwich?
lsn't that a Club Sandwlch?
- Hey, lt's alright. - No, lt's important that l learn.
l flunked the Danish Citizen Test but lf l work hard on thls trlp -
- and learn to be a real Dane, they promised me a second chance.
Then l'll bring my famlly up here and we'll open a classy restaurant. Look!
HOT DOGS
Howdy ho, space homos!
Yo ho, you two Prlncesses. Now lt's hot-ass-mothafuckin' party time!
Ole is in charge of supplies.
Here's a bit of hlgh culture for your Danish Test, Jamll.
lt's German, but we do it much ln the same way here in Denmark.
- l'm not sure my wifo would approve. - Come on, man!
Saucy young chicks! Are those glrls you've been porklng?
You son of a dog! l'll butcher you halal style and foed you to the rats!
- l just want to be your pork partner! - These are my family photos!
Time out, boys.
Gorm the Old, Harald Bluetooth, Sweyn Forkbeard' Harald ll, -
- Canute the Great ... l'm sorry.
l was way too sensitive. A real Dane can handle insults and taunts.
You're absolutely right there, my little monkey boy.
- You fat ... You blg, fat bastard. - Rlght on!
Stand by for lift off. Man your stations.
Sergeant Skrydsbøl. Wait a second.
We've got T minus 4 mlnutes and 12 to llft off! lt is a clear violation.
- You must read it before lift off. - ls it cleared according to protocol?
- No, but it contalns ... - lt can be contaminated with anthrax!
- But it's about Per. He's ... - Brief me when we're airborne.
Now, let's have a bitchln' awesome heck of a party! Here.
Beer. The favourite soft drink of the Danes.
Beer is a pacifier, not a satisfier.
Balthazar!
No, Balthazar! Come back here!
10, 9, 8, 7 ...
Main booster start. 4, 3, 2, 1 ...
Lift off!
Mon cherie!
Man, thls sure ls enough to make your asshole rock and shake, aln't it?
Mr. Maj, look over here.
Owr, but really ...
ACCESS DENlED
Kurt Maj, look over here. Mr. Prime Mlnister, look at the duck.
Mr. Maj, l seem to have a problem with protocol 314.
lt's a video, but l can't access it. And l've never heard of it befere.
Don't trouble your pretty head with that technical stuff.
But l'm Techical Director, Mr. Maj.
What's the protocol on knocking befere approaching your superior?
- That ... yo shod knock flsth? - Exactly.
lf thls had been Kabul, your mother would've had you back in a body bag.
Look me ln the eyes. l knew lt! You've got it.
The look of death. We've stared death straight ln the eyes.
You never forget your first time, huh? The first kill!
Mine was ln Belrut '82. Them were the days. How many kllls have you had?
That ls ... two ... eh, fifty ... nlnety!
lt's an honour to have you aboard. Let's have a real astronaut chat.
Yes, definitely. l just have to check some ... navlgation stuff.
That's right, Per. The mission comes first!
What a beautiful cow. Please sit down.
- Bratwurst? - So big!
l just love that movle, dude! Ole has to watch lt at least once a day.
Then llttle Ole will come out to play. And for a dollar, l'll let you watch.
Aah, pussy, wonderful pussy. Let's have some pussy ...
See what l've made, dude. A pee bubble! Made of pee!
Ylkes! Get that thlng away from me.
- lt's just llke urine squash! - No! My photos!
- Ole's invented a new sport with pee! - l'll be damned ...
Be quiet!
Yuck, sham on you!
That's what comes from having such a ... wog aboard this craft. Yuck!
l expect discipline on thls mission!
ln the Gulf, we dldn't have any of thls stlnking monkey business!
HOT DOGS
They're almost there.
All hands on deck! ETA on Saturn ln T minus 15 mlnutes.
Ready for landing?
Say, what are you dolng?
l'm ready to put on my helmet in case of ... acute decompression symptoms?
Of course! Why didn't l think of that? Good polnt, Per.
Touchdown. Welcome to Saturn.
Good! Form formation "The Capture of Saturn". All hands!
l hereby raise this flag as a symbol of the Danish colonlzation of Saturn.
For King, Country ... No, for God, Klng, and Country. Yes, l'm ready.
God save our gracious King ...
No, dammit!
And hero is Denmark, and hero is Denmark, olé, olé, olé.
Thls ls a clear breach of the chain of command! Turn that thing oft!
From the top!
Hey ho, here we go, d'ya want Ole's cock' you filthy ho?
And Ole ... Ole ...
Don't worry. lt's under control. Give me your wristwatches.
We, the Whlte Gods, bring you glfts as a token of our good lntentions.
Obey us, or we'll use our flre sticks!
They don't llke you shoutlng at them.
Flddlesticks. Primltlve civllizatlons need to know who's ln charge.
- Hear, hear! - They don't seem primltlve.
We come from a highly developed country called Denmark.
We want to use your natural resources for our high technologlcal machlnery.
We'll teach you about democracy and freedom of speech. Great spin-off!
See how he turned hostile when l talked about freedom of speech.
lt's the way yu say it.
Draw your weapons! Let's see how they like good, old-fashloned brute force!
- Bad ldea! - Basra!
Dang lt! Ouch! l don't belleve lt. My trigger finger!
Shit!
The closest planet we could find is in the Solaris cloud, just 12 years ...
Get to the point! What is the size of its water supply?
- Two percent. - Two percent?
But we have sucked all the other planets in the galaxy dry.
You idiot! Two peroent will not even keep the army going for a week!
Bless you ...
Beloved Dictator, we have captured this gang of aliens.
We demand to be treated ln accordance with the Geneva Conventlon ...
- ... our military rights. - lnsert the translators now!
Let me go, you terrorlst bastard. This is utterly ...
They don't have an orifice in their back for the translators.
They must have an incredibly primitive DNA structure.
Hey, wait! There's an orifice further down. Roll in the machinery.
Oh, yes! A little more to the left, please.
Tell me where you come from.
Just state your name, rank and home port.
Arne Skrydsbøl, sergeant in the Navy, Planet Earth.
- What buslness have you on Saturn? - Arne Skrydsbøl, sergeant, Earth.
- Are the translators fitted right? - Fuck, that hurt!
- lt should work perfectly. - Take them away.
Bring them back when it's tlme for dinner. You two, follow me.
Hopelessly otdated.
What's he saying?
... I've kept an eye on you since my first test probes reached Saturn.
l know that water is of vital importance to you' -
- yet you have problems procuring it. Allow me to present, Planet Earth.
Earth, known as the Blue Planet.
78% of it is covered in water ... just waiting to be sucked up.
This is an offer you cannot refuse. Drop by Earth, and we'll discuss this.
l look forward to meeting you.
Strlp this sorry craft of everything, and then prepare my spaceship.
Where the hell are they?
- They went out to stretch thelr legs. - They should have been back by now.
Hey! That mlght be them.
What?
Oopsy doopsy ...
There goes all of our communication!
l won't stand for that tone of voice. Accidents may happen, you know.
lt'll take days to re-establish connectlons. That was our only server.
Annoying, isn't it? Well, l'm sure you'll flgure lt out.
Come here. We have a pretty gift for you.
Gu ga gu ga gu ga.
Well, horrlble testicle torture ls an unavoldable aspect in our business.
Just see is as a work hazard. That makes lt all easier.
Cheers, Ole.
My last one! lt should joln the rest of the Brewsky family ln my belly.
l'm like a beautlful flower. l need a beer or l'll wlther away.
- l'm witherlng away! - What are you dolng?
l thlnk our prison cell is made of frozen metallic gas.
lt has crystallized and appears hard but vaporlzes if exposed to alcohol.
- How dld you know? - l am a doctor of nuclear physics.
Any porch monkey can clalm that. Let's rock'n'roll, boys!
- Hold lt! Prison break! - Basra!
Great teamwork. Let's go! Hup, hup, hup.
- They seem to be getting ready. - But for what?
- Look! Our spaceship. - And there's the boss dude.
Saturn Force One, departure!
Destination: Planet Earth.
- Earth? - Operation Suck Earth Dry.
Proceed to hut 3 and await the Dictator's signal.
- Suck Earth Dry? - Sounds klnky!
Aha! The Dictator is on hls way to Earth to launch an invaslon.
- l knew it was a rogue state! - Look at that glant vacuum cleaner.
lf he reaches Earth and transmlts the signal, lt would mean ...
- The End of the World! - We'll put an end to that.
Move over, boys! Time fer some boobs and beer.
l found thls l the Earthllngs' craft.
Some outmoded audio-visual media based on electromagnetic currents.
Thls seems to be a manual ln the customs of the Earthllngs.
lnteresting.
Ouch, that fucking shlt!
And then there's a slight ascend, whlch you stlck to for ten minutes ...
Saturn misslon to Cape Kurt, come in.
Per, let's get this baby ln the air so we can elimlnate that UFO.
l haven't had much practice wlth this model ... l'm used to the Apollo type.
You and l have the look of death. Remember that.
lt's always nice to have a clear vlew, rlght?
Per, hurry up!
HANDBRAKE
Tilt, Per! Tilt!
What's the matter with you, kld? Don't worry. l'll take lt from here.
l flew the Hercules planes when we carpet-bombed Beograd.
Post-traumatlc stress dlsorder after dangerous mlsslons ls qulte common.
Ouch, that old fucking plece of shit!
Yes! Come on. Expedltlon, Cape Kurt calllng. Can you hear me?
- Hello. - Per, is that you?
This is George from the Short wave Radio Club. Any kinky girls on line?
Hello? Hello ...
Ole has totally freaked out.
The enemy ls ln sight!
The Earthlings' spacecraft! lt's galning on us.
Let them come.
Fire! And not just a warning shot either. Just throw it right at them.
They're gone.
- Contact! Per, elimlnate them. - What?
- Let me have a shot at lt. - You know dog fights too, Mr. 9/1 1?
No, three years in the accommodation centre. PlayStation, see?
- Way to go, Jamil. Bull's eye! - The UFO seems to be unharmed.
They don't stand a chance against our deflector shield.
Give me an estimate of the steering system of their pathetic vessel.
- A black hole. lt's sucklng us in! - Arne, turn the wheel!
Way to go, Arne!
- Red alert! - Take over. l'll check the air lock.
Red alert! Red alert!
CONFlDENTlAL
Per, would you please come wlth me?
Just actlvate the jet pack, scoot over to the UFO and attach the explosives.
- Have you gone mad, man? - Don't worry, Per.
Thls should be a plece of cake for a seasoned astronaut llke you.
Wait! l'm not an astronaut.
l've never been to space before. l don't know how to rlde a jet pack!
l've known that from the moment l saw you.
Arne Skrydsbøl has a keen eye. You smell like a con man.
- Arne' l can explain lt all ... - No, you cannot!
- Know ... who sailed Olfert Fischer? - An ole fart?
- Hello? - Shot them ... call it friendly fire.
Can you hear me?
- Arne, thls ls dangerous! - You've endangered the mlssion.
What with your lies and fake exam papers.
- Walt! l lied for a reason. - lt had better be a good reason.
- l lled because l was in love. - l see. That's the worst excuse ever!
- Have you never been in love, Arne? - l was close to my pup, Dick Cheney.
- But l shot it when lt ate my medals! - l'm talklng about real love, Arne.
Have you never been so madly in love that it hurts just to see her?
That's how l felt about Susanne. She'd just been accepted lnto the Academy.
l thought, "l'm will be an astronaut, too." Just to be close to her.
But l flunked all the tests.
Get to the point, or l shoot you ln the head like llttle Dick Cheney.
So l started cheating to impress her. Yes, l tampered with my exam papers.
No Dane wlth any klnd of space slash milltary tralnlng ls fooled by a con.
Yes. She was mad about me, and everythlng was just great.
Then she found out l had cheated and went totally balllstlc.
She sald l was a disgrace to the space program. She never understood.
l didn't give a fuck about the space program. l just wanted to be with her.
You actlvate the bomb on the red button.
No!
Oh, no!
- Where's Per? - There.
lt's always nlce to have a clear view, rlght, Per?
Activate the jet pack, you idiot!
Hell bloody!
- Oh. no. - No more games.
What klnd of abomlnatlon ls this?
Some sort of advanced remote control. They've taken over our control system.
What the fuck are you up to?
Goodbye.
Get us away from here!
Typlcal!
Per!
- You are a trained astronaut, right? - We'll be a part of history forever.
- You're so cool, Per! - You smell like a con man.
- Per is a genuine man of the people. - Per is a fucking fraud!
Susanne!
Susanne ... no!
Per! Oh, no, lt's all my fault.
Bloody hell! The autopilot ls down with a fatal error.
This is a crisis situation. We'll never make it back to Earth.
- What happened to Per? - He was sucked lnto the black hole.
- We have to go in after him. - A suiclde mission? You'd llke that!
- We have to try. - Arne, where are you?
Arne, for fuck's sake!
The mission always comes flrst! Per failed us. l can do nothing!
- What the hell is wrong now? - We've run out of gas.
Well, you'll have lt your way then.
Beloved Mr. Dictator, we're enterlng the Earth's atmosphere.
He was rlght. They've got enough water to keep the fleet running in 20 years.
Send the co-ordlnates to the invaslon force.
l don't know what so say, but l think somethlng has gone terribly wrong.
- What's golng on? - Someone ls enterlng the atmosphere.
Oh, no!
Slx. One, two, three' four ... Oh, no.
Oops, Mr. Prime Minister, this is going to be expensive.
We'll just cut back on the care of our senlor citizens again this year.
- Mr. Maj. - Susanne. What an entrance.
Our spaceshlp is lost, and an unldentified vessel is approaching.
- l thlnk it's hostlle. - The Danlsh People's Party protest.
There comes a time when you as a citizen of thls peaceful nation -
- will be forced to perform the noble defonce mechanism, -
- which we through proud generatlons have resorted to agaln and again -
- and proven that we master to perfection.
- Total supjection. - What?
We're talking about cool cash here.
lmaglne the export rights and exchange of sustainable technology.
Your re-electlon is ensured slnce you can lower taxes and safoguard welfare.
You can't jus do that!
Leave thls to the men now, right, you sweet llttle thing?
- l thlnk we've passed through it. - Never underestlmate Danish deslgn.
- The atmosphere is compatible. - We're really out ln the stlcks, huh?
We have to survey the area and find fuel, lf Denmark ls to be saved.
Look! A llght.
DENMARK HAS VlSlTORS FROM SPACE
Cheers!
l'm so horny.
We want to cum in the ass of all your girls.
Give me your big cock. Oh, yes! Oh, yes!
Dear Danes! Let's welcome our new allles.
These fasclnatlng belngs have come to negotlate the future export of goods.
Of all natlons on Earth they chose us. Because Danlsh goods are the best!
lf we enter into this agreement, -
- then early retlrement ls guaranteed for all further generatlons.
That's not true!
The aliens are hostile. They've murdered our astronauts!
Well, as soon as someone makes a splendid inltlative -
- that will create prosperlty, -
- the leftwlnged, paranoid eco-freaks crawl out of their filthy wood works.
Some people wlll always be naysayers, when it comes to progress, -
- but real Danes will agree that those who try to slow progress are traltors!
- You fucking communlst! - Filthy bitch!
But where ls the Saturn Expedltlon then?
Traltor!
- Welcome to Earth. - Prepare a translator.
Attention! Thls looks llke a cultural leftist art installation.
Hey, there's doorbell.
OUR FATHER & SONS
l'm Saint Peter, and l can smell your earthly vessels from in here.
No tlme to chat, Santa Claus. We're on a mlssion and have run out of gas.
Gas? l don't know anythlng about that. But ... come on in and ask.
HEAVEN
Just make your inqulry at the counter over yonder.
Ashes to ashes and dust to dust, -
- so take off your boots so as not to drag your dust in here.
We need gas. l demand to talk to your superlor.
lt's him.
Yo, what's up, guys? Want a gulded tour of the garden?
l'm wllling to help you suck up all the water from Earth.
The oceans, the ground water, the whole shebang.
- And what do you expect ln return? - l want the island of Greenland.
The Kurt Maj Drink is top notch. lt's made from puro Greenland ice.
The Kurt Maj drink' the only water.
399 $ a bottle.
When you've sucked up all the water, it'll be more valuable than gold.
People have to drink Kurt Maj Drink. l already extracted large quantltles -
- and stored lt at different spots all over the world. Have a Kurt Maj drlnk!
You can't do that!
Kill her.
CATALOGUE OF SlNS
- Excuse me, are you Jesus? - No, man. l'm Stand-ln Jesus.
My older brother ls on Earth trylng to make a comeback.
The old man ls maklng an effert to get the business booming agaln.
We haven't had much followlng these days.
Dlsgustlng! Sexually deviant mutants wlth wings.
ADULTERY - DECElT TAx FRAUD
Yes! Alright!
SEx DRUGS AND ROCK'N'ROLL
Hell changed lts marketing strategy from eternal punlshment and misery.
Now their slogan ls: "Sex' drugs and rock'n'roll."
- How can you compete with that? - Let me go, you dlsgustlng cockatoo!
- Look! - Let go of me, for fuck's sake!
- l haven't got the time to be dead. - Hey, Per.
- l never thought l'd see you agaln. - Where have you been, Per?
- Little Per, my frlend. - lt's worse than the lRS up here.
l told them l had to return, but they asked for a load of papers ...
- Oh, no. You're not dead' are you? - No.
- What about the UFO? - Well, it got away, didn't lt?
Let's just flnd some gas and blow this hippie commune.
We don't have stuff like that up here. The whole place ls wind-powered.
- God Almighty! - You must help us save Earth.
Earth? But that's our entlre clientele.
Say, the Holy Ghost mlght be able to help you.
What do we need that for? Ouch, you filthy llttle creep!
- They're flylng vermin. - Easy now. Trust me.
ANGEL PUSSY
Unfortunately, these guys have to return.
- Good luck with lt all, then. - Llkewlse.
- Where do you thlnk you're going? - What do you mean?
Our pollcy ls strlct: Once you've dled and gone to Heaven, that's lt!
- l'm not even a member of the Church. - What the hell?
Fuck off, you fucklng paraslte!
- Where's it going? Come back. - Fllthy shlt bird.
lt's a gas station! Right on!
- Look. They sell Danlsh beer. - Beer?
Brewsky!
Yes!
- Well, Arne. lt's fllled up. - And so what?
We have no autopllot, and our navigator ls an lmpostor!
Rlght on!
- Thls beer's heavy. - Per's never here fer manual labour!
Avlation deck, check. Flaps, check. Englne burst, check.
We're ready r lift oft.
l found the manual. Just push start, and we're headed rlght for Earth.
Well, let's go then, Per.
Alright, when the stars beckon, here we fucklng come.
We're flylng at 20 times normal speed.
Do we need these translators anymore? l'm so sore ln my butt.
lt mlght contaln info about the enemy.
Keep it up there, and you'll pass the Dane test the next tlme.
Well, boys. e're almost home.
Hello. Per, is that you?
l thought you were dead. How did you find your way back?
Per handled that. He turned out to be an outstanding navigator.
- Susanne, has the UFO arrived? - Yes, but l've ...
- The invasion fleet is on its way. - The invasion fleet?
Dld the dictator brlng a remote control?
Of course! The dictator uses the remote control -
- to log unto the operatlve system of other spacecrafts and control them.
lf you could get hold of lt, we may be able to stop the entire UFO fleet.
- Okay. I'll do my best. - we'll come as fast as we can.
So this is where you're hldlng, rlght ln an intergalactic date.
- How sweet. - Leave her alone!
When the stars beckon, then big, bad Per is on his way!
why do you think I picked a bunch of losers and a burned-out soldier?
You're good for nothing' and that made you perfoct for my little mission.
Wish l had time to chat, but I've got a planet to suck dry.
Say goodbye to Susanne now.
- l thought you'd done away with them. - They don't know what they're in fer.
Put the pedal to the metal. Let's go!
- Where did that come from? - We're dead meat, boys.
We'll hlt the moon. Shlt! This is going to be one tough crash landing!
Oh, no. The invaslon fleet.
Why did l joln thls shitty mission? l'll never see my dear famlly again.
l've lost everything for fucking Denemarci!
Sandwiches, beer and crappy soccer! You can't even beat the Swedes!
And silly proverbs! Who the hell llves in a house of glass?
And who wants one bird in the hand? lt's a shitty nation!
l have to speak to my God.
- Where the heck ls Mecca? - Just face Earth. That should do it.
Thls ls the perfoct place to erect your water exploltation machlne.
You can't just take the water on Earth. lt belongs to all of us.
- You get the Kurt Maj Drlnk instead. - But ordlnary people can't afford it.
Then they'd better start saving up.
A strong signal on our radars seems to indicate more incoming UFOs.
lt's almost an army.
- So many to bulld that machine? - My soldlers won't building anythlng.
We'll have slaves do the work!
Never polnt a thlng like that at other people. lt's fucklng dangerous.
Hold it right there! We're on our way to Earth -
- to stop an alien invasion, and we don't have time for your feollshness.
Work ls progressing at a steady pace. We expect to be ready in 24 hours.
- You have 12. - Danes can't work any faster.
Their work ethic has deterlorated from decades of belng publlc employees.
Wrong answer. You're in charge now. You've got 12 hours, understood?
Start the countdown!
Hey, kabob.
Hey, let the grown-ups have a look.
Hornbæk Beach. High soclety tlts!
What's that?
lt's the countdown for the end of the world.
- Susanne! - Someone ran off with your girl.
- Treachery on the home-front. - She's been taken hostage!
At least the problem is solved. We'll nuke the platform and be heroes.
- We can't! Susanne is down there. - Let me tell you something, Per!
l've only had one true friend, Gerd, my second in command.
During a mlssion in Basra, he was caught ln enemy crossflre.
l could elther complete the mission or save Gerd. l chose Gerd.
lf Gerd dled, l wouldn't have anyone left in my llfe. Nobody!
lt didn't work. The mission went totally awry.
Arne!
Gerd was killed. 60 bullets. l was demoted from colonel to sergeant.
l'd forgotten the most important rule ln the army: The mission comes first.
But this is my chance to make lt right!
That's not right, Arne. You went through the black hole to save me.
lt wasn't qulte like that.
l get your point about not nuklng anybody, but how can we stop them?
Kurt Maj had a point. We are just a bunch of losers.
We didn't get thls far just to end up nuklng hundreds of innocent people.
Did we at any tlme have the odds in our favour?
Would a bunch of losers have survived everythlng we've been through?
We aren't losers. We're astronauts.
We represent Denmark ln the entlre unlverse -
- and Denmark doesn't nuke lnnocent people just to serve a greater cause.
- l suggest we put it to the vote. - Danlsh democracy ls the thlng!
All ln favour of saving Denmark ln a humane way.
- Hear, hear! - Utter feollshness!
- Per, do we have a plan? - No. But l know someone who might.
NEW SATURN RACE - TERRORlSTS? ALlENS DO ExlST
Mom! l was supposed to go with the others to see the allens.
l thlnk you have some vlsitors, lb.
Coffee's served.
- Why dld we let ourselves be fooled? - What are we golng to do?
Let me see. All allens are prone to be ellminated by some Earth stuff.
They may get the flu and dle. Or mosqulto spray, shampoo, or cooties.
DUFO has taped everything on the allens slnce they arrlved.
we've only got an hour and a half left.
Wait! Rewind a blt.
There. Pause!
- Slow forward. - How about a beer?
- Why, it's beer! - Of course!
Yo, have a beer!
They're back!
- Per! - lf we have her, they won't touch us.
Keep them out of the control room. Lead them up to the top deck.
- But how? - Just do it. Now!
The suction machlne! We have to stop it. Come on, Arne!
Where ls the control room? Over here, boys.
You! Get all these people as far away as posslble.
- Stop your grlplng, Susanne. - Susanne!
Let's spllt up. Arne and Ole, stop the engine. Jamll, come with me.
You stay here and fix that door.
Come and get me' you overslzed lizard!
Susanne!
Take that!
- Only ten mlnutes left! - Yo!
Per! l'm comlng!
Jamil ...
Jamil' no!
- Jamll ... - l can't feel my legs. Cold ...
Don't die! You have to become a real Dane. We'll vislt the landmarks.
l'll lntroduce you to lda Davldsen and let you taste her open sandwiches.
Per, you need to be a father to my klds. Jamil Junior and Jamilla.
Promise me to talk to my wifo, Nadja, cousin All, uncle Nadim and Dina.
And my cousln and her children, Hakim and Yassir and thelr wives -
- and Mohammad' my other cousln ...
- Right, right, all of them. - Wait, l have more plctures here.
There is a lovely country ...
lt didn't penetrate you. Your photos stopped the bullet!
You made it!
Yo, greenhorn. Cheers!
Rlght on' Susanne!
Let's get out of here.
We have to stop that suction machine.
- What the hell does lt say? - You have to mount a translator.
- You can borrow mine. - Flne, just hurry up.
- What are you up to? - A nuclear mlsslle ls on lts way.
- We just need to get out of here. - Susanne and Ole are still up there!
The mission comes flrst. That's the way lt is.
- That sounds just about right. - You could've told me where ite went.
ON/OFF
Why couldn't you just have read lt?
- Susanne! - Per!
You were so good up there! Why dldn't you just come right out and say it?
l thought you were a lame smartass ...
Not now! There's a nuclear mlsslle on its way.
Basra!
Arne?
l told you l only had one true frlend. l see now that's not true.
l've galned two new frlends. Sometimes friends come before the mlssion.
Alright, three friends then.
Run, dammit, run!
- Arne! - You shall not pass, you bastard!
Arne!
We can't get away. He's too heavy.
Jamil' the gun!
Bottoms up!
- Rlght on, man! - Yeehaw!
Hurry up! The mlsslle ls coming.
Yeehaw!
Fools! l have thousands of UFOs left ln the unlverse.
Dld you really thlnk it would be that easy to beat me?
Shit!
Would a desert princess like you like to see the palm rlse at Ole's oasis?
- Bloody hell, Ole! - Remember: Respect for traditions.
That doesn't count when we're talking about my cousin.
Do you really understand Danish if you use one of these?
- Where wlll we spend our honeymoon? - We could begin with the Milky Way.
And after that we'll just follow the stars.
SUSANNE HAS GOT A TlGHT PUSSY
l sensed that somethlng was not right with the strangers' -
- so l declded to isolate them at my oil field and extermlnate them.
lt was a tough battle, but my plan worked. l had them exterminated.
And now: Kurt Maj Enterprlses has always been very keen -
- on gettlng cheap, alternatlve energy resources for the Danes.
So let me lntroduce my latest preject: The Journey to the Sun!
what the hell? They haven't been true to the comic at all!
Subtitles: Aage Brock SDl Media Denmark